College: in the closet and out of the closet

[storm]

James wasn't always the one who would be "out", not that he cared but it was the fact he couldn't even believe himself. For the longest time he had been in denial about it, getting angry at himself for no reason but it was all alright now. Now he had just accepted it, that's when he let it be known that he was gay.

When he was having those problems with himself, he was only in High School. Where he might of seemed the average queer; wearing tight jeans and now it was different, sure he still owned them but he was wearing things that were more comfortable to him. He was tall but not like a giant as he was only just under five feet and seven inches. The color of his skin was more tan than anything as it came from his mother mostly who was a fourth native american. Hair color was always hard to tell as during summer it seemed more brown but during the rest of the year it would be black. Nothing about him was more piercing than his eyes that were a bright blue; that came from his father.

Right now the young man was in college at Stanford, he might just be still "one of the new kids" being a sophomore but he had no intention to change his major. He was currently enrolled in Film and Media studies, he enjoyed it a lot and it was how he escaped being mad at himself most days.

After being at Stanford for a year now, he was ready to take on a relationship. He wanted more than something that was just casual like he have had the year prior to it just beginning. Classes had started almost a week by now and he was glancing around time to time to find someone who seemed cute.

[Jayy]

Shirtless, wearing only tight black underwear, Joshua stared into the mirror, flexing his arms. He curved one arm in front of his chest and made the big muscles tightened. He made a fist, then let it relax. Letting both arms drop to his sides, he stared deeply at his six pack. His body was fit, something he worked on 6 days a week every week except on major holidays. He ate a lot of protein and vegetables. He ate junk food on sundays, then worked it off the rest of the week. He went out to pizza with his friends and could finish off a family size by himself. Joshua was a big guy, no joke about that. He had broad shoulders and big biceps. He had been working on this body since his freshman year when he strolled into school only standing at 5 foot 5. He would never make the football team with his noodle arms.

He looked into his eyes, and it wasn't the same story there.He had purple bags underneath his eyes from lack of sleep. From not quite making it through the night. For regretting everything. Nothing. Was he wrong to keep himself in his head? Contemplate things normal men wouldn't think twice about? His eyed stored sadness that could last for weeks if you sat their and stared. He smiled at himself, his fake studly smile he used on everyone. On his friends, especially the ladies. Especially his girlfriend, Linda. Linda loved him, and he felt... compassion towards her. If she wanted to be together forever... he would do it. Do it for her, for the team, for everyone holding up expectations for him. He was a football player, Stanford's leading quarter back. They were ranked fourth in the country, something he couldn't let roll away from him.

He lived in a dorm for the football players, parties every night, expensive champagne from his friend's rich uncle. Ladies up to his neck. The only privacy he had was his room, with a lock on the door. Even the bathroom's door's lock was broken.

He threw on a pair of blue jeans, a blue v-neck that hugged his torso. He threw on a leather jacket over it and some black and white converse. He brushed his hair quickly then rustled his fingers through it to mess it up, then used his fingers to flatten it down. He grabbed his phone and shoved it into his pocket and left his room, went down the grand stair case and out the front door. He heard his friends and team mates drinking and watching TV. No, he had a class to get too. He was majoring in Medical yet questioned it every day. It's what his parents expected from him. Now he was on his way to his film class he had chosen at last minute under pressure from his girlfriend who dropped it a week later. Now he was stuck in a class full of fruits and women. Not even he got out of that category.

[storm]

Never would James consider a football player as hot, their builds yes- their attitudes would be a huge giant no. So when he had learned that a football player was in his Film class, there had to be a mistake or at least a catch. Sure if the woman in the glass hadn’t known he was gay, they would be crawling up to him trying to get him to go on a single date. Sometimes they wouldn’t listen or care and would still do it, it was still entertaining at times.

Such as now, he was talking to some anonymous girl was still completely convinced he wasn’t and it was getting to the point of annoying. This is why he was just getting to the point to kiss the first person that he would see and just hope the person was man, a good looking one in fact. “Just trust me, I’m not straight I know that I’m not.” He would tell her every time she began to ask again.

Today he had some blue jeans on a well as a blue plaid over shirt on top of a plain white one. The plaid shirt went with the tints and shades of blue, in a vertical and horizontal pattern. The shoes he were wearing were clearly old as they were faded, only they weren’t that old he got it at the beginning of summer only with all the thing he had done they gave the impression of it; they were slip on van’s. He was attempting to listen to the girl only he just wasn’t really feeling it at all, it was clear on his face unless you were oblivious such like her.

[Jayy]

Joshua walked into the hall where the class was being held and cursed under his breath. He was late again to this film class he hated so much. He adjusted the messenger bag on his shoulder, heavy from textbooks and his lap top he tended to carry around. Finally he burst through the door, in the most quiet way he could. With Joshua, being sneaky was a prblem. He didn't dress in all black and look like a twig, so it made being sly next to impossible. The teacher, without even having to look up as he scrolled through a magazine echoed

"Nice to see you decided to come to class Joshua. I'm sure your parents would be very dissappointed that a class they are paying for means so much to you. But it isn't your money, right?" the teacher droned and Joshua sighed looking around the class. It was filled to the brim with girls. Usually there was at least a few guys, even though he not dare sit with them. Joshua couldn't be known as the "jock-who-liked-fags" because in his fraternity, it would easily turn into "the-jock-that-fucks-fags". He took a moment to assess the situation.

Everyone seemed to be working and the teacher was still looking through a magazine, that seemed to him to resemble "People" or something or the sort. Now that would be interesting to learn about, but no. They had to learn about the black and white films of the 40's. He looked for a seat in the class, his gray eyes scanning the whole room. Girls were staring at him, looking him up and down. He felt under pressure under his eyes.

"Are you going to take a seat, Mr.RockWell?" The teacher echoed. Joshua got red in the cheeks, sucking in his breath as he looked around. He hated when teacher's used his last name, it was not something he was proud of. His dad always echoed about how important it was to be a RockWell and how he would be their legacy when he died. His dad was a snob, non-other. Joshua threw his bag onto a table next to a man dressed in a plaid shirt, talking to another woman. It was the only seat available in this very full class.

"What are we doing?" he whispered to the guy after he was sure he wasn't paying attention to the woman talking.

[storm]

“Honestly I have no idea, but the professor loves me so he doesn’t care what I do..” James stated, it was mostly true as long as he at least showed up for class. He had gotten him last year for a different class he had wanted to take, only it was more forced upon from it being a part of his actual major. However this one wasn’t quite forced it was the elective choices.

His arms had been crossed, leaning back into his chair as he glanced actually who he was talking to. This must have been the football player someone had told him about, he had the right build for it as well as the fact he remembered hearing his last name be RockWell. While his eyes examined him, he glanced back at the woman he finally caught on and looked in disgust; causing him to smirk a bit.

“I think it has something to do with talking about how they are different or something like that.” He shrugged his shoulders.

[Jayy]

Joshua looked away once he noticed the other man looking at him. He really had no idea who this guy was, he only slightly remembered the face from attending the class all semester long. He figured he was gay, with all the matching of the plaid and such. That was the hard thing about being a guy. If your shoes matched your shirt, you were queer. If your shoes matched your hat, you were a gangster. If you shirt matched your pants, you were a hippie, and if you didn't match at all you were lazy. He was typically the type of guy to match his shoes with his shirt, just for the sake of loving Nike. Supposedly.

"Oh," he mused and put his elbow on the table, leaning his head on his propped up hand. He glanced back oer to the teacher who seemed to be smiling to himself over his reading glasses at the magazine. Cher get remarried? he thought to himself and elt a smile crack across his face. He looked back at the guy sitting next to him, the only other guy in the entire classroom at the time. He figured he might try to start a conversation, save him from the woman chatting his ear off.

"So are we still talking about black and white films? I missed last class, anything happen?" he asked in a friendly voice. He pulled a pack of gum from his pocket and extracted a piece, sticking it into his mouth. He held the pack out to the other man with one piece of gum wrapped in silver tin foil sticking out further then the rest of the pieces. "Want one?" he offered politely.

The class was a bore, he already knew that. he knew that before he signed up for it. At least when he was signing up for it he assumed they would spend most of their time watching the old Star Trek then the new one. This was not what he expected. He took a moment to study the guy sitting next to him, and as his eyes went down his body and settled on his package for a moment, his cheeks tinted red and he met his eyes again, hoping he wouldn't have noticed. He was just checking out the competition, right?

[storm]

Once he realized that Joshua was about to turn to look at him, James had quickly looked away. When asked a simple question, he went blank for a few moments all he remembered was that they hadn’t done much. “We watched Citizen Kane last class it was one of first full length movies...” He stopped before he would sound like a know it all. “And then we had analyzed what has been different with our movies today in our time.”

When offered the piece of gum, he gave a slight smile perhaps an uneasy one but it was still something. “Yeah sure,” he said, taking one of the pieces of gum from the man beside him. “Thanks”, he quickly added as he put it into his mouth.

All during that he had been looking away however when he had looked back at the other for a split second, he had caught the other in the act of what seemed like checking out his package. Though he wasn’t going to accuse the man, he wasn’t like that he just went on making it seem like nothing had changed at all.

“So you’re the uh… Football star right?” He gave a slight nod, honestly he didn’t care so much about football. It had been fun to play even though his father had practically forced him into it when he was a kid, he wasn’t the greatest but not the worst either.

[Jayy]

"Well geez, it was probably best I missed last class then. Sounds like a pain in the ass, if you ask me," JOshua stated with a slight shrug as he chewed his gum. He thought about the differences in the movies and smirked lightly. "I think the difference lies in the sex appeal. You won't see a movie these days without a pretty woman in red lipstick ready to suck off a cursing priest," he gave for sake of argument. He tried to catch eyes with the guy and noticed he was looking away alot. It didn't bother him, he just felt the other man was uninterested. Not like he was interested in talking to some film class junkie. Right.

"No problem, I chew gum to surpress my smoking habbit," he said softly, looking around the room. It wasn't something Josh was exactly proud about because smoking was bad for your lungs, and you needed your lungs to run. Especially if you were the quarterback. He would be benched for a year if his coach ever found out, yet somehow it slipped from his lips in front of film studies boy.

"Uh, yeah I guess I am," he smiled with a cocky look on his face. He liked being a football player, and when the time was right, the attention was really nice. He liked having people know who he was, even if this was just film studies. It was another place, and another what he supposed was a friendly face. If he didn't become friend's with this guy, it would be at least nice for him to have someone he knew to sit next to in this dreaded class. He wasn't a fan of film studies.

"I'm JOshua by the way.... and you are...?" He started as he tilted his head slightly to the side and raised his eyebrow. He had an honest smile on his face with only a little charm turned on for the man. no shame in impressing people, right? Even if it was a queer in a class he hated. No shame at all.

[storm]

“The movie was interesting the first time I watched it… But not really this time around, just something annoying to have to do while I’m in class. “James shrugged as he looked around slightly, beginning to chew the gum the male beside him had just given him. He chuckled some hearing the other, it was quite true about the movies today. “You should have came to make that argument then, people would of loved that.” For now he felt alright to talk to him, seeing as he proved he was funny just then.

“At least you are trying to stop then; chewing gum generally helps from what I’ve heard...” He looked over some at the other male, biting his lip gently. Maybe this could the begin of a friendship, it was possible but at the same time it would just someone he could sit next to in class which would be nice. Generally he always had someone bothering him about something on both sides, today it was just the one girl beside him.

Seeing the cocky look somehow didn’t bother him at all, it was just normal to be like that when somebody realized who you were. “I use to play, it was fun I guess. I only played for a couple years though, right before High School.” He gave a smile, something that the two of them had something a bit in common.

“Oh. Uh I’m James, nice to meet you.” The actual smile on Joshua’s face had made him blink for a moment, it was a nice smile. He couldn’t help but give a real true smile back to the other.

[Jayy]

"Yeah, then get my ass kicked out of this class with no refunds," Joshua shrugged and rolled his eyes. "The teacher has something against me... maybe it's because I was bribed into this class. Or because I don't appreciate the work of black and white house broken house wives," he said with a small smirk. He had written a paper when dissecting a film earlier in the semester on Women's Rolls in movies in the 50's. Sure, he had gotten some help from the butch dyke he had been sitting next to on feminist rights, and with the right number of prrof readings, he scraped by with a C on an A quality paper.

"Yeah, right, trying," Joshua chuckled shaking his head. Sure he had been trying... to not be caught. He chewed on the gum, glancing around the room at the chattering females. He could tell from the different tones of voices that 80% of conversation was not about comparing films, or whatever they were doing. Not like he cared, Joshua had just made a new friend. Friendly enough, he thought. He looked back at James, then glanced at the girl beside him.

"No shit?" Joshua stated in amusement. "I'd love to see you sometime... I dig it when people play for fun," he smiled, winking at James. "Everyone on my team is so fucking... annoying with their ambition. I mean, being ambitious is good but the way they do it makes football lose all it's fun. Just being able to play, catch a ball, and tackle a bunch of your friends," he said with a small laugh. Now if that didn't sound gay. "When's the last time you tried?"

"Nice to meet you James," Joshua said nodding towards him. "No offense, but I really haven't ever seen you around," he stated, raising an eyebrow.

[storm]

James laughed softly and nodded some, hearing the other and quickly making an assumption on why. “It’s probably cause of both those things and the fact you don’t probably come to class on time.” He told and sighed softly, he had a teacher like that this semester; he was hated for no apparent reason which a bit bothered him for no real reason at all.

“Trying and succeeding are two different things—well to me it is anyway.” He let out a slight laugh as he was chewing his gum, beginning to doodle a bit on his notebook in front of him. Nothing amazing was really on it, just mostly spirals and small thumbnail drawings. Not continuing to quite speak at the moment because he was sure Joshua was clearly looking around for a new spot to sit in. Or at least that’s what he was thinking.

Blinking once, he looked up from the notepad and nodded some, giving a smile. “It’s always the best when you do just play for fun, or that’s how it felt like... I tried out for the team at my High School, just wasn’t the same so I didn’t continue tryouts despite my father’s wishes.” He rolled his eyes some and nodded to Joshua, “exactly much more fun that way.. Last time I did?” There was a pause as he was trying to even remember. “Well I think it was right before my friends and I had to part ways last year; everybody going to different schools and all.”

“Don’t worry, I get that a lot.” James just shrugged it off some; it had been true he wasn’t around at most campus activities besides some games time to time when he could. “I find myself mostly in the library studying and also working when not in class, not as much as last year though.”

[Jayy]

"Ugh, get over," Joshua chuckled with a smile. "I don't understand why it's so important if I'm like... 5minutes late. I wouldn't make a disruption if he didn't start bitchin' at me. Whatever though, I don't care. He can hate me all he wants I suppose," he said looking down at his nails. He then intertwined his fingers, setting his hand into his lap.

"That's a pretty long time ago. God, I can't remember the last time I played for fun. Probably mid- high school or something. I understand you not wanting to go on in tryouts though. Tryouts are bad, but it just gets worse. The training is rigorous. Man, sometimes I wish it was as easy as buying your way onto a team like it was when we were kids," joshua said, reminiscing from the past. "Maybe sometime I could see you play?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. Nothing wrong with two friends throwing a ball back and forward, was there? Of course not. People did it all the time. "Strictly for fun's sake."

"Oh really? I study when I can... well I guess that's kind of a lie. It's hard to study around my frat house. It seems like their is always something going on, some party or what not. Then by the time I do get my ass to the library, my brain is fried," he said with another friednly smile. He took a moment, looking into James' eyes, feeling a little lost for a moment. "Oh, where do you work?" he then asked, still not breaking eye contact.

[storm]

James laughed and gave a slight nod, looking at Joshua; he could see where he was coming from exactly. “I get it, he just appreciates people being on-time though anyway it is just how he is which is a bit terrible but you never know I guess.” He tried not looking away as he was fiddling with his pen that had been in his hand, not writing or doodling at all. Just the young man always needed to do something with his hands, he wasn’t so sure on why but it was just how he was.

“Yeah it does seem a long time ago, but it still fun just to even through the ball around to clear my head with people in my dorm floor.” This was nice to find people who do like passing the ball around even if it would just the two of only. “Is training pretty badly? And yeah that would be great, it’d be fun.” He smiled some, thinking about what it would be like to have a real friend play with him.

Hearing Joshua go on about how he studied, made James let out a few laughs and gave a slight nod. “That’s why you have to first decide on where you do want to study not after you start. Or at least have something fun that you can think of so your brain isn’t fried.” He honestly had to think for a few moments on where he does work, “I work at the starbucks coffee right outside campus. It’s uh fun, I guess.” It wasn’t until then he noticed that the other man wasn’t trying to break eye contact at all, not that he didn’t find it odd.

[Jayy]

"Hm, well I guess I could appreciate the fact that this is his place of work. But I'm never going to be a teacher, so what gives!" he said with a small wink. "If he wants to keep the stick shoved up his ass, fine. As long as I pass with a C, I can show up at least within the first 10 minutes," he argued stubbornly.

"Well, conditioning for HIgh School always sucked. Conditioning for fucking college is the devil. Holy shit. If you do a sport for the rest of the seasons, you don't have to condition. But if you only do football, the coach will tear your ass up when it starts again in the summer time," he said shaking hs ehad in disbelief. "But yeah, we'll have to meet up sometime. You live on campus?" he asked curiously, flipping the hair from in front of his eyes.

"Well that sounds enough like fun," Joshua said with a shrug. "I need a job."

((sorry it was cut short, I gotta get!))

[storm]

James gave a soft chuckle and shook his head some, listening to Joshua. “I guess so, he’s quite stubborn about everything. I use to come late the first time I had him and he started hating me before I had come to class on time and times earlier now he doesn’t have a problem at all.”

“I would assume conditioning is a bitch… any type of conditioning is no matter what sport it is. Sounds terrible though to do in the summer.” He shook his head some and blinked, giving a slow nod. “Yeah I do, uh I live in Toyon Hall- it’s alright I guess.” He shrugged his shoulders a bit as he bit onto his lip once.

“Eh I guess, my co-workers are great most of the time.” He laughed and looked down some. “I think we are hiring if you even want to work there and smell like coffee after a shift.” He gave a smile as he looked up.