Jayy's Work

[Jayy]

This was a school assignment from June last year, so it's a bit aged. 2010. These are my original characters. I would love feed back (: I don't write novels, so I know it's not the BEST but hey, it's something. The picture is my photography(I'm no photographer xD) with my name blurred out. It's the cover.



Dear Reader;


I don’t remember a time before the drugs.

I remember good times on the drug.

I remember bad times on the drug.

I don’t remember a time without the drug.

I had everything. I had friends, I had a girlfriend, I had parents, I even almost had a daughter…

I had the drug. Every good moment was clouded with a haze of tight bandanna’s and hot spoons.

Every bad moment was blurry by violence and the taste of blood.

I wasn't myself off of it though, it all turned into messy, ragged disaster.

I told myself one day, one day...

One day I’d be Rose.


001

They lay together in the flower fields, staring at the clouds, watching them pass overhead. They crushed the daisies under their backs, while tomato red tulips sung to them and lemon yellow daffodils bloomed up on either side of them. Tall sunflowers reached for the ocean colored sky, smiling in the soft breeze. The flowers all swayed slowly, and looked like they were dancing.
Boom.
The sun shined brightly over head, her hair almost looking brown underneath the clear blue skies. She wore a bright yellow sun dress that blended with the daffodils. Her cherry tinted lips curved at the ends in a pleasing smile.
Slam.
He held her hand loosely, looking up at the sky, his other arm propping his head up, a rough expression on his face was softened by a happy smile. He looked at her, her eyes matching the deep blue of the sky. They glowed under the sun, sparkling like a freshly cut diamond.
Crash.
She looked at him, turning on her side and running her thumb over his knuckles, their hands clasped together gently. A little red lady bug landed on the tip of her nose and she went cross eyed trying to look at it, and they both laughed.
Rose.
It flew away and a strand of hair fell in front of her eyes. He brought a hand up to move it gently out of her face, running his fingers slowly down her cheek and letting his eyes linger on her lips for a moment longer.
Rose.
She scooted closer to him, resting both of her hands on the collar of his shirt, gripping it gently, leaning in and rubbing their noses together. He smiled widely, nipping on the edge of her lip. She unbuttoned the top few buttons of his shirt, exposing the creamy skin freckled by the sun.
Rose.
“You’re so handsome honey,” she whispered, her fingertips tracing his collarbone, leading up the side of his neck and to his face.
“I’m nothing in the light of your beauty,” he whispered and looked dead on in her eyes, seeing the outline of his face in shadow, the sun shining brightly behind him.
“Oh stop,” she giggled, blushing nervously, her pale red cheeks blossoming into an array of rosy red day lilies.
“Baby, I lo-“
ROSE.[/b]
My eyes snapped open and I looked up at the man attempting to wake me up.
“Jesus Christ, I thought I lost you there,” he said softly. My head ached and my skin was sweaty and clammy. He helped me sit up and I rubbed my eyes wearily. I looked at my arm and my bandanna was still tied tightly around my upper arm. I quickly unwrapped my bandanna and clenched my fist, the blood flow slowly moving back to my finger tips.
“Where’d everyone go, Clyde?” I asked slowly, blinking my eyes, still trying to adjust from the sudden rush of sunlight through the broken part of the blinds where a hole punctured the side panels.
“They ditched, next door neighbor threatened to call the cops. Matthew is knocked out over there...” he said softly pointing to the man curled up in blankets that reeked of urine.
I was lying in a pile of vomit, and my muscles ached. I wiped my mouth off lazily and slowly got up and ran my hands back through my messy black hair.
“I need a shower,” I mumbled and kicked a nearby beer can next to me.
Clyde stayed still on the floor, sprawled across the floor so his arms and legs stretched out as far as they could go. The room smelt, bad. The paint was peeling, the window was broken and the room was covered in spray paint.
My mind raced, and I ran my fingers through the black mess of hair falling in my face. I grabbed my leather jacket from the floor and slid it over my shoulders carefully. My arm was sore, that same sore feeling you get after having a shot.
But that’s what it is… a shot. It’s a medicine, it cures me. Without my medicine, I’d be a wreck. I’m not addicted, I’m not… I could stop…
I fell to my knees by Matthew and reached to his pocket and pulled out a wad of money. He was so young, he looked so broken. I took forty bucks and stuck the rest back in, kissing his forehead gently. He moved slightly, starting to roll over. There was a big bruise that stretched from the top of his neck half way down his back. I cringed, seeing little cuts and scratches crawl down his back like a spider making a web. He wore only the pair of jeans his mom got him for Christmas last year when he was 17.
I stood up, shoving the money into my jacket pocket.
“I heard Caydense is working today…” Clyde said softly as I was heading towards the door. I looked at him and the corner of my mouth curled up as I headed out the door, pulling a cigarette loosely to my lips.
I walked down the nine flights of stairs in our apartment complex to be greeted by the bright sunlight that greeted me when I woke up. It warmed my face, casting its rays all the way down my neck. I lit the cigarette with a match from the match box I held in my jacket and waved the fire out, tossing it behind me. The sky was a clear blue without a cloud to damper the day.
I walked up the sidewalk where the children played and the merchants set up their windows. My street was lined with tattoo shop, after drug store, after photo hut. I turned the corner where the alley ways got dark and the sun didn’t shine.
There was a body at the distant end of the alley, kneeling down. I could see the long wavy hair in the shadow. On the other side of the alley way the sun shone brightly again into a street with fruit merchants and hemp bracelets. I walked to the body and a smile crept across my face.
The woman looked up at me and smiled really big, standing up from the ground.
“Hi Rose…”

[Jayy]

When The Wind Blows
The roar of the crowd swallowed me as the people slowly started to board the boat. There was red, white and blue everywhere and the men were all dressed in their brand new uniforms. People were popping champagne tops and yelling in joy.
My hands were clammy and my body was trembling but my smile was as big as the boat itself. I had my girl at my hip with her arms thrown around my neck watching as people threw confetti into the air. She leant her head against my shoulder and laughed as a little boy pretended to march around in a little uniform using his finger as a gun.
I looked over at my younger brother who was holding hands with a girl from his class, both shy of the opposite sex.
My best friend thumped my shoulder as he approached us. He had his bag slung over his shoulder and red lipstick all over his cheeks. He had a huge goofy smile and a group of girls waving to him in the distance.
“Ready Tony?” he asked in his deep sultry voice, flicking his eyes over my girl and I.
I motioned for him to give me a moment and he nodded knowingly, walking towards my brother to get him ready to board the boat. I turned towards my girl whose eyes were glassy but there was a smile spread across her face.
“Now don't cry Juliet...” I said in a soft voice and she buried her face into my uniform holding onto me tightly.
“It's so hard Tony, what if you don't come back?” she muttered and I pulled her from my uniform and lightly held her before me, looking deep into her meridian sea blue eyes. She wiped the tears from under her eyes and let out a slow sigh, biting down on her cherry blossom bottom lip.
“I'll be back by Christmas. Keep yourself busy, you'll never even notice I'm gone. By the time I get back you'll wish I was gone longer! We can write, write as often as we can...” Juliet nodded quickly. My leader blew a loud whistle and Juliet threw her arms around me and pulled me into a tight hug.
“I love you...” I whispered in her ear.
“I love you,” she returned, stepping back. I reached into my uniform pocket and pulled out a silver chain with a diamond cross attached to it. I tucked it into her hand with a smile and went off to meet up with my buddies and little brother.
I walked up to my little brother who was saying his goodbyes to the shy school girl and she quickly reached over and pecked him on the cheek. She turned a deep shade of red and giggled softly, popping her leg back and looking down. He looked astonished and nodded in approval waving happily to her and joining me and my best mate.
He blew his last goodbyes to this group of girls and gave them each a rose he bought off a street vendor as his last homeland purchase. One of them looked like they were going to faint and another one threw herself at him with a lusty kiss to the lips.
“Come on Clyde,” I laughed and he pulled from the girl who stumbled back with a great smile, pressing her hand down on her hair, walking away with great pride in her step.
My little brother Brad, Clyde and I fell in step and all started toward the ship with our bags slung over our shoulders. Brad kept looking back at the girl until he lost her in the crowd and he let out a slow sigh.
“You think I'll see her again Tony?” he asked doubtfully, readjusting the bag on his shoulder.
“Why wouldn't you? I think it won't be that long till you can ask her hand and forget about this whole war thing. It will be like another semester of school, I believe,” I told him and patted his back.
“You know, I hope there are girls out at the front,” Clyde spoke in with a modest gesture. “I heard that those French girls look mighty good. One of my friends said they don't ever wear clothes, they just walk around in there undergarments...”
“Now where did you hear that?” I asked raising an eyebrow. Brad looked over at him with a goofy 18-year-old smile, practically drooling at the thought.
“Well my friend’s brother’s friend’s cousin married a French woman. She told him I guess or something of that sort,” Clyde boasted as we marched up the ramp. I paused and looked back over the wild crowd and nodded towards them with a smile over my face.
“Tony!” Brad called out and I turned back around and ran up to him, watching the shipmates pull up the ramp and anchor. I waved to all the people just like my fellow soldiers were doing frantically. Even my little brother started waving, proud to be up on that high ship in full uniform.
I was excited for this, been preparing for over a month. I was 24 years old and Clyde and I had been jogging with each other every morning. He said that you run a lot on the front. We also lifted as many heavy things as we could. Juliet, my wife, helped me out and sat on my back as I did pushups. She also made dinner every night so that I got a lot of protein. I must admit, I went from kind of straggly to pretty buff. I had no problem hauling big crates around and I could even pick up Brad. He, on the other hand, was pretty straggly. He was very pale with dark hair like mine neatly combed down under his hat. He didn't work very hard on his arms but he could do 200 sit ups in no struggle at all.
Clyde was the thinnest man I knew. He was tall as everyone else on the boat but if he turned, we would probably lose him. He didn't eat very much, just never had. He was more into working out and wooing the women. I might join him more often if I wasn't married, but Juliet was all the women I need.
Slowly Britain shrunk in the distance and we were left with the rest of the ride over. Soldiers started to disperse from the front even though there wasn't an inch of space. Excited, Clyde and I looked into the ocean but Brad looked faint to the motion of the ship.
I was certain we were going to win the war. I was certain I'd be home for the holidays to see my wife. I was certain that we had a better army than the anyone.
I was a soldier of the triple entente and I was ready for anything.

Dear Juliet,
Today is our first day at the front. We haven’t actually gotten to the trenches but we’re close, I can tell. We’re staying at a soldier camp. I slept in a bunk above Brad but he couldn’t sleep all night so he looked like death in the early morning. There were gunshots in the distance all night long.
Clyde said that the gunshots only get louder as we go. I don’t think Brad is going to sleep until the war is over. He’s always been good at staying up all night though.
We had one of the soldier meals today. Nothing compared to your meals, it was all slop. Even the bread was stale, but at least I ate. I was so nervous that I gave most of my helping to Brad but then regretted it at night.
I’m one of the best with my gun; we were having firing practice in our free time. I can shoot a bottle from near 100 feet away and hit it. I carved your name into the barrel of my gun so I’ll always keep it safe. It’s lonely out here without you, that’s for sure.
Clyde and I learned a new card game called skat. We played it till our candles burnt out and I never could win. Clyde won a new watch from it and I got screwed out of a piece of bread.
My drill sergeant said that once we get to the trenches we need to learn how to fend for ourselves better. He was telling us that he held our hands too often and that it would hurt us in the future. He said it was really rough out there. I figure nothing was as rough as our history class senior year; the teacher was out to get me.
Everyone was sitting around and talking about the things they loved that they left behind. I feel bad because I have everything at home and some of these people have nothing. One man was about my age and he was trying to take care of his sick mother. Another owned a brew pub and because of recruitment he closed it up to come out here and defend our country. The man that taught us how to play skat had nothing but a box of a room in a boarding house.
I’m going to try to write to you and often as I can. I feel like when I’m out here I need you more than I ever had before. Surely you can’t hold me through all of my rough times, and I’m glad you’re not out here. I would be dead in two seconds trying to protect you.
As long as I know you’re waiting for me at home, I’ll make it back alive.
I love you, forever and always.
-Tony Johnson


We arrived at the trenches early in the morning my Lorie. Truthfully, I didn’t know what a trench was until I came there that day. I thought it was a little form of protection like the snow walls we made when we were kids. I was wrong. They were these deep, horrendous creases in the earth filled with people. There was a little strip in the middle filled with barbed wire and dead people. Supposedly on the other side was an entirely different trench system which was filled with Germans. That was what we were supposed to hate. So that’s what I hated.
We filed into the trenches with big explosions happening all around us.
“We’re being bombarded,” said a man standing next to me with a wispy gray beard. I looked over at Brad and he was pretty shaken up. He had his eyes shut tight and was holding onto his gun like a small child would hold onto a teddy bear when frightened. I put a loose arm around his shoulder and he flinched away, embarrassed by his big brothers affection for him.
Clyde got used to the sound quickly and on they didn’t even seem to faze him. His eyes were a little crazy but the explosions didn’t budge him. We were told they were trying to wear us down and that if we freaked out, that’s exactly what they were doing. We all sat down and started eating our lunches, completely silent. No one wanted to say anything, not under this pressure. Brad couldn’t even eat his lunch.
Before I knew it, my nice clean uniform was a disgusting muddy mess. I couldn’t help it, the trenches were terrible. We sat around for a while until someone called out. It was one of our commanding officers.
“Fire!” he yelled and we all scrambled for our guns, helmets tight against our heads. We hardly peeked above the trenches as men charged at us and we shot them down. I felt empowered as I watched men fall under the wrath of my gun. Brad was nervous; he kept dropping his gun on the ground on purpose to take cover for just a few seconds.
Clyde was triumphant. Every time he shot a man down he would yell in glory and go for his next one. Soon the enemy was retreating and we were all ducking down, afraid for their next move.
We all sat by and fell silent as we found out that we had lost some of our men. Someone cried out big, throbbing sobs for he had lost his father already so early in the more. Other men cried because they themselves were shot and it stung worse than any pain they’ve ever felt before.
I looked at Brad’s face and he was a ghostly pale, his eyes absent.
How was this going to end?

Dear Tony,
I’m so proud of you sweetheart. There is nothing that makes me prouder than what you are doing right now. Never think that I am not proud of you and I wanted to tell you that right up front.
I’m glad you’re doing well though. One of my friends said her husband told her it only gets harder as you do it. I believe in you, I really do. It’s hard to sleep at night without you in the bed because all I can think about is you being shot at when you’re trying to sleep. Why is it fair that I have a nice feather bed and that you don’t even have a pillow? I would send you one but I’m sure that’s not the least of your worries.
Things up here are different without all of you guys. There are a lot more women than I’ve ever noticed before. I’m thinking about applying for a job in one of the places they lost a lot of men. Rumor has it that ladies are now in higher demand than they used to be.
I’ve been getting sick a lot more lately which is definitely not helping my job hunting. I was trying to make dinner last night for myself and one of my friends they came over to chat with me and I completely lost all of my lunch in the garbage can. She said I was kind of warm and that I should go to bed. She finished dinner and then left.
My mom came over today, telling me all this stuff about the war. I didn’t say much about you because all she was doing is worrying me. I really do hope you’re safe enough out there. What would I do without you?
Anyway, how is my boy Brad? I do hope he is doing well; his stomach was always a weak one. Your mom came as well the other day and told me to tell you to keep him safe. She told me to remind you of his peanut allergy. She gave me a brand new blanket she made because she said I was too thin to be sleeping alone with the “thin sham of a blanket Tony bought me”. I told her that he was proud of it being her moms but she didn’t believe me.
I built a fire for the first time too! It took me a while, and I must admit I asked our neighbor for a bit of help, but I did end up doing it and it kept me nice and warm. I’m working on finishing the bible because when I’m not with you, I believe the lord needs to keep you safe. It’s a long process just waiting around for something to do and puking. I made a fresh tomato soup today and it was amazing! Just how you used to make it… just not as good.

I love you, forever and always.
-Juliet Johnson


It’s been 4 months out at the trenches. I watch Clyde and Brad as we are being bombarded. Brad clams up. Our commanding officer is watching over us closely. I am not scared anymore because I have built immunity to all the sounds. I spend time playing skat or writing letters to my sweet Juliet. The leaves how now all fallen and it is much colder outside. The commanding officer looks serious now as the bombarding on our half slows and we continuously attack the other side.
“Men…” he started slowly and we all perked our ears up dreadfully. I grabbed my gun which was lying at my side and the commanding officer poked his head just hardly over the trench and BAM his face was blown straight off. We freaked out and grabbed our guns just barely peeking over and firing at the men charging us. They were all wearing gas masks and I yelled, pulling mine on. I watched slowly as our men started to fall, coughing haggardly and clutching their throats. Brad aimed at a certain German who caught his eyes and aimed at him quickly.
“BRAD!” I screamed as I ran to tackle him, but the bullet was quicker then I was. It got Brad in the center of his forehead and I watched terrified as he fell to the ground, dead on scene. Clyde looked at me hurriedly and shot the guy coming straight as us as I rushed to Brad’s side. I scooped him up in my arms as my a different officer came up to me.
“Put the boy DOWN Johnson!” he screamed as tears fled down my face and I shook my head vigorously.
“This is my little brother!” I screamed over the bullets being shot all around us.
“HE IS A GONNER JOHNSON, PUT. HIM. DOWN.” He yelled and I kissed Brad on the forehead, blood covering my lips like badly put on lipstick as I laid him on the trench ground. I scooped up some mud and put it on top of him saying a silent prayer in my head and started to walk away. I looked back one more time and somebody was picking him up and throwing him out of the trench. I went to charge at him but Clyde grabbed me by the arms and pulled me back.
“BRAD,” I yelled once more and Clyde finally through me on the ground and put a gun to my head, staying very quiet.
“Leave Tony, just leave him…” he said softly and he pulled the gun away and I laid, breathless as my surroundings went wild.
When was Christmas coming?


Dear Juliet,
I lost Brad. He was shot in the forehead and there was nothing I could do to save him. I swear to god I tried but they got him. They got him first. God, I am such a failure. That was the one thing everyone asked of me, was to keep Brad safe. He didn’t even have a proper funeral. Why couldn’t I do that? Am I worthless? That’s all I’ve been able to think about lately.
Clyde has changed. He more quiet now. He’s not as into just getting with women. He sits by himself and thinks. I’ve asked him what he thinks about but he doesn’t think it’s relevant to the situation at hand. I wonder if losing Brad made him lose hope in us. I miss the way we used to be. God DAMN Juliet,I miss my little brother.
It just gets harder and harder every minute we're down here. I don't know what to do anymore. All I see is people die. I haven't had a home cooked meal since you gave me my departure night meal. There was a group of women that had been burnt out of their town and were scared and hungry. One was trying to get with me and two of them all over Clyde and his brazen chest. He took advantage of both of them at the same time where I just gave the one talking to me a little bite to eat. She seemed to get offended that I was disinterested.
I love you more then you know. Don't forget that. I look forward to seeing your face, even if I'm not home by Christmas.
-Tony Johnson

It is now January 5th. This war is never ending. I lost Clyde to insanity.

“Tony I c-can't do it,” he whispered to me in the barracks, violently shaking. He kept bumping his head against the wall and writing the words “mom” on a piece of paper he was going to send home until he lost his focus.
“Can't do what buddy?” I said sitting on the edge of his cot and looking over at him curiously. He slowly reached over and pulled a pistol out from underneath his pillow and I stood up quickly, looking around us.
“I can't, I can't...” he said slowly, running his hand over it's polished shaft.
“Clyde... put the gun down, I tell you... put the gun down, now I say!” I stammered out and looked at him worriedly.
He pointed the barrel at his head, crying loudly and bleeding from the nose. It dripped into his mouth and bubbled through his sobs.
“CLYDE!” I yelled out desperately as he pulled the trigger and his red splattered all over his bed and on my uniform with a collection of other men's blood.

I'm scarred with the memories I have gained yet they make me stronger than anyone here. I sit in the trench smoking cigarette after cigarette as I watched other men play skat and polish their guns. My mind was forever hurting now and the bombardments gave me a wicked headache.
I was tired and worn out and the highlight of my trench time was smoking cigarettes. Sometimes I'd write poetry but it never turned out right and I would crinkle it up and throw it away. I couldn't write, who was I kidding?


Dear Tony,
It took me a lot longer to write this letter because I wasn't sure how to approach that. I know Brad is gone and I've prayed for him several nights now. Don't you dare start thinking that you are a bad brother because you are not. You tried your hardest and even though I'm not there, I know that. It may be something that stays with you forever but at least know you tried because baby, that's all Brad wanted.
Another thing I need to tell you... Tony I'm pregnant! I know it, I can just tell. I've missed menstruation since you've left and I puked for a good two months. God, I am so excited. When you get home, we'll be a little family!
I want you to make it home safe. Do it for your family. I've been working hard on learning new recipes and I had a job for a while too! I got fired though from puking to much. Oh well it won't matter much longer anyway.
I love you with my whole body....
-Juliet Johnson

Dear Antonio,
We sorry to inform you that Juliet Johnson has passed away. She had what we call an “etopic pregnancy” meaning the baby did not develop in the right area, instead it developed in he fallopian tube. We found this out by autopsy in consent of your mother-in-law. There was nothing we could have done, she was dead on scene.
Keep your head high soldier.
-Doctor L. Scott


I have officially lost everything. I won't even stop to Pray anymore because I feel like everything was always a lie. Happiness was a lie. Hope was a lie. I don't have anything left but hate. Hate for people. Hate for things. Hate for God. I don't know what to do anymore. I contemplate jumping out of the trenches during a shoot-down but I do not have the strength. I do not seem to have any strength anymore. If I were at home, I would never get out of bed. Hell, I I were at home, then none of this would have happened. War is a scary thing where no one ever wins but we all eventually lose. I've seen people's heads blown off, bodies caught on fire, shit scared right out of them, eyes hanging from there sockets and all the different diseases a soldier might catch. Hope is not something I linger with for it is something I despise. I don't know how to smile anymore and now all the faces look the same. I feel that if I get out of here I'll end myself back home in my lovely Juliet's memory. I wish to be buried by her. But I must not think about that now, for it is far into the future.

“Tony, you have 2 weeks leave.”

[ritsukitty]

Aside from some grammar problems and a bit of word choice, they are fantastic! I am just a nazi when it comes to things like that, so it's not a huge deal.

The first one is adorable! I really want to know what happens!!! <3 <3

[Jayy]

The one about Rose?

[ritsukitty]

Yep

[Jayy]

Thank you so much (: I had to write an entire outline and have like, 3 more chapters but I didn't like it haha.

[ritsukitty]

Why didn't you like it?! I love it, it's great!!! XD

[Jayy]

IDK, I never like my own stuff.

[ritsukitty]

We are our worst critics.

[Jayy]

Of course (: I got an A on it, so I was happy

[jumpmybones]

It's true, we are! Jay, I love your writing and your characters!

[kiami]

soo good! <33

[Jayy]

I have a pattern of commonly used characters, such as Clyde in both my pieces. This was also my original Tony.

[Jayy]

It was a perfectly normal day. 1-19-07

I woke up to daddy kissing my neck, touching my tummy, wearing just his boxers, spooning me.

"Good morning sunshine," he whispered to me.

The sun was peaking through the shades shining into my eyes.

He rolled out of bed to go get dressed, I looked at my phone.

I was 12 weeks pregnant.

'Your baby shower is planned <3' Bree had texted me while I was sleeping. It wasn't supposed to be for 4 more months, but she had it down.

Daddy came back in the room and bent over the bed and kissed me. "I gotta go to work," he said and put his hand on my tummy, leaning down to your level. "Byebye Faith Elizabeth, be good baby girl."

He left the room and grabbed his coat and keys and was out the door. I got out of bed, and went on with my day.

it was about 3 pm, and I was getting ready for work.

I had been cramping, really bad. Really bad. I felt like I was going to collapse, but I thought it was normal. I thought you were playing tricks on me. Testing me. I took some ibuprofen, and tried forgetting about it.

I walked to the mirror to pull my hair up into a pony tail and I was shocked.

There was blood on my pants.

It kept growing.

I freaked out. I ran into the living room and picked up the phone. I called Bree. I collapsed to my knees when I was talking to her.

I called the ambulance.

I was still bleeding.

I was still hurting.

I was on the ground.

I lost all control.

I passed out.

I remember waking up in the hospital in pain. In an amazing amount of pain.

Bree was holding my hand, tightly.

I heard my heart monitor. I only heard my heart monitor.

I tried sitting up, which caused even more pain. Bree stood up automatically and put her hand on my shoulder.

"Lay back down sweetie," she whispered. She looked like she had been crying. Why was she crying? that wasn't a good sign.

I ignored her and looked over the side of my bed, there was only my heart monitor. I watched it spike.

My eyes filled with tears.

My hand with to my tummy.

I felt a scar. It felt like it was bleeding. It was bandaged. I didn't feel like you were there.

"How's Faith? Is she okay? Bree, how is she? What happened?" I asked frantically, my eyes filling up fast. I was trembling, shaking, I was breathing harder, I could hardly see straight.

"I'm sorry..." Bree whispered, putting both her hands on the bar on the side of my bed.

"Don't say you're sorry!" I sobbed, putting my hands on face, shaking my head. "Bree tell me she's okay, tell me nothing happened, tell me Faith is healthy and okay, and everything is okay," I begged, I cried, I pleaded.

"She's gone," Bree said slowly, tears trailing down her face.

"What do you mean gone?" I asked looking up at her, the IV felt cold in my arm, my face was red from crying.

"She's gone Ann, gone..." Bree whispered.

I just put my hands back over my face and cried. Bree wrapped her arms around me tightly, snuggling her face into the crook of my neck. "I'm sorry.." she whispered again.

"Does Corey know?" I mumbled.

"He came by. He cried. He held your hand. He kissed you. He left." Bree said softly. She held me the entire time. She never let go.

She stopped crying eventually.

I didn't.

The doctors came in and explained to me what had happened. It was called a miscarriage.

I thought you got pregnant, had a baby and lived happily ever after. No one told me sometimes it didn't make it.

I felt like it was my fault.

Bree took me home. She wanted to stay with me, but I told her I needed to talk to Daddy. I knew he'd be home soon.

She rolled down the window and yelled out "It's not your fault Ann, don't beat yourself up." I nodded and went inside

There was a blood stain on the floor. My fingers were trembling.

I walked into your room and picked up your stuffed bear and held it close to me. It smelt new, because it was new. You deserved everything new.

I fell asleep on the floor with that bear. In the nursery.

I woke up on the floor. In the nursery.

I called daddy 7 times. He didn't answer.

When daddy left me, I didn't know what to do.

I felt like it was my fault.

Bree was the only one who said it wasn't.

People didn't want to talk to me because they didn't know what to say.

A few days later when I took off the bandages, I started packing your stuff up. I kept the bear and blanket with your name on it.

Faith Elizabeth Alexandria Baker. From daddy.

Daddy got it special for oyu. It cost him 2 paychecks, but he got it.

I gave all your stuff away. All of it. I didn't need it. I wasn't having a baby anymore.

Daddy loved you so much.

He was very sad when you left us. He loved you more then anything. He said it every day from the moment we found out about you.

R.I.P

Baby Faith Elizabeth Alexandria Baker

My never to be born baby girl <3

[Jayy]

To a Parent
Dear Dad,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I never got a chance to say goodbye. I’m sorry in your life time I couldn’t make you proud. I’m sorry I blamed you for mom leaving. I’m sorry I couldn’t take Cassandra and Kylin into my home. I’m sorry I didn’t get married before you left us. I’m sorry for not calling more. I’m sorry for not going out to get drinks with you more. I’m sorry for taking my anger out on you in my teens years. I’m sorry for forgetting about father’s day last year. I’m sorry I ran away the day before your birthday when I was 17 to be with my boyfriend. I’m sorry I cried at your funeral, because you wouldn’t have wanted that. I’m sorry I didn’t take your advice when you told me Matthew was looking for a guitarist years ago. I’m sorry I didn’t respect you as much as you deserved. I’m sorry I told you I hated you. I’m sorry…

It’s been hard without you. I haven’t felt the same since I found out. We’ve changed, daddy. We miss you. I never thought there would be a moment in my life where all of the Sullivan kids would cry at once. I wish I believed in heaven and hell. Then maybe I’d believe in the other side. Point blank, I’ll never see you again, and I regret everything I didn’t get to say to you. It’s hard to think that it’s been almost a year…

Since you’ve been gone, things have changed. Not with me. I’m still with August and Jade. I’m still in love with both of them. I’m still living with both of them. They helped me out a lot when I was in a low pit because you left me. Recently the gay marriage law was overturned. I know you already counted August as part of the family, signed on the dotted line or not. But unless a law passes that we can all 3 get married, it won’t happen. All my brothers and sisters already treat them like family though. Cassandra and Jade went out to lunch not to long ago, they really hit it off.

Before you left us, I joined Matthew’s band. You had never been more proud of me when I was in a signed band. To bad you couldn’t see any of the beautiful music we played. I went on a huge tour where we headlined, and people knew me by name. People come up to me on the street and recognize me. It’s an amazing feeling, to not just be “that gay kid” anymore. I’m a real name sake.

Bree is a little messed up right now. She acts as normal as usual, but she’s not. Her boyfriend cheated on her and now he has a baby on the way, and everyone knows it. She really needs some of your advice right now, because anything Clyde and I have to say don’t mean nearly as much as if they were coming from you.

Clyde is with Ruth again. They’re going to remarry, that’s how serious it is. I know it will kill him to watch her walk down that aisle, and know you’re not watching with him. They’re on their way to finally being happy. Last time, they were just to young. Now they’re smart. Maybe they’ll have kids. Something with your name in it. No, I know they’ll have kids some day, just not yet.

Kylin is always on a roller coaster. He was in jail when you passed, but you knew that. It killed him knowing so many months were taken from you two. He’s on parole right now, because he’s a good brother. He’s a little confused, I know. He’s going into his Senior year of High School, going to be a football star again. He’s been coming in and out of girlfriends. I think he wants your approval.

Sixx is still jobless. He had one for a little bit, but he got caught drinking on the job again. He doesn’t know how much time he’s waisting. He’s still with Tristyn, but she as big plans. She wants to be a mom, I can tell. He’s not ready for kids. At this rate, he’ll never be ready for kids. They live in a crappy apartment surviving off of her wages and unemployment. But for how long? He needs help, and I wish I could be the hand to push but I’m not. You were.

Cassandra. My baby sister Cassandra. Cassandra had to walk in on you, low on the bathroom floor. I’m surprised she couldn’t see the signs. You were going to take her to a movie. Did you kill yourself on purpose? She’ll never get that image out of her head. Her daddy, dead. Gone. In front of her eyes. She’s been a little confused. You can tell. She broke up with Ace a little after her tragic overdose. I guess she wanted to see how you felt. She got with a good boy a little later, Marilyn. He’s a Beckett kid. Sure, he’s no a7X kid, but if you would’ve wanted Cassy to be with anyone, you would’ve approved Marilyn over someone like… Emmit. I don’t know how into it she really is though. She doesn’t have to be into it though. She’s in high school. She’s allowed to change her mind.

After all this time I still miss you, and not thinking about it doesn’t make me miss you any less. It’s hard living without your dad. I can’t imagine what Christmas will be like… To a point, I don’t even want it to come. But I guess I’ll have to cope, because you’re not coming back. I’m sorry.

Love forever and always,
-Jake Pitts Sullivan